until i find somewhere else to put it

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rip yourself together
sew yourself apart
crushed exploding girl
bitter purple heart (nov 15)

it’s fucked up. hurting is fucked up, because i don’t need to fucking hurt i don’t have a reason to fucking hurt i hurt i hurt i hurt a lot so fuck it.
i want to stop i want to start i want to be something i don’t want this.
want to be free. it’s not because i’m not brave it’s because i can’t hurt you it’s because i love you it’s because i can’t can’t hurt you but fuck how i want to because it’s not okay anymore i’m not okay i’m not okay and that is my biggest secret:
i am not okay.
i’m a liar and i hate saying ‘i’ i hate focusing on me i’m not focusing on me it’s not me it’s hurt it’s hurt hurt hurting and i don’t know how to stop it because there’s no way to stop it there’s no way at all so no more crawling no more highs set yourself in stone chin up look forward and walk beyond your fucked up dirt world your sad sad hurt in a ditch on the side of the road leave it there.
what have i done?
fucking nothing.
fucking fucking nothing.
i will not let you down i will not make you hurt
just fucking march on forward. (sept 26)

and weak and
hurt and
dumb
and
lost
and smiling and
numb
and dumb
dumb dumb dumb dumb
(stupid.) (sept 21)

it doesn’t hurt the way it used to
that makes the difference. (Sept 17)

MENTEUSE (PAS MOI)
edges ‘fraid
won’t be still
shivering at my windowsill
cracks on the ground
god if i’d just stayed
give up sleep
swim deep
oh how fucking deep
it’s so still
so small
eyes shut to the cold
snow melting on eyelashes
we’d kiss with our hearts closed
eyes open
hid under the covers
thick black smoke choking you
crying sealed up like glue
your skin’s gone blue
beneath your bones
small parts
put together from fading memories
forget the lost
when you die you’re just a number
i want to be a number - seven
j’ai rêvé de tomber amoureux
et quand tu as me baisé, j’était ok
i was okay again -
je crois qu’un jour je serai courageux
je crois que je ne vais pas tomber
qu-en penses tu?
there is violence in everything
in the way i move -
in the way i break
there is violence where you can’t sleep
in the curves under your eyes
your voice shakes under sentences and there’s
violence in that too
i wish i could stop it
les enfants ran away
les misérables stayed
‘stead
my edges ‘fraid -
j’ai peur -
i am afraid. (sept 16)


i’m scared i won’t be alive one day
i’m scared to find what i threw in the middle
i Retreated
i’d give anything to go back
i can’t explain why
i want to stop using ‘i’
i want to stop it being mine
i want to be a ghost
burnt toast
was it fought?
in the night
deep under your lids
the sea cracked
with you buried beneath
so deep
i fell so deep
i’m swimming in my sleep
i’m drowning in my sleep
i’m drowning as i lie awake
i’m falling deep in this mistake
i want to kiss you
fuck the scabs
blood on my knees i’ll kiss you anyway
scrapes on my hands i’ll fall
bikes without hands fall back away
forget the morning please just stay
if you leave the cracks will widen
the strings my strings are so thin
like a leaf in the breeze i’ll blow
and get lost in the snow
the dead trees they’re in me
they sway and they go
don’t go
just don’t go
i’m kicking a hole
back into my bones
because the kids didn’t go
but the kids did go
they left Me
i don’t wanna be alone
i don’t wanna be alone
don’t go
go
don’t go
go
don’t
go
doesn’t make a difference anymore
i’m spiralling either way. (sept 10)


i just want to fucking Be quiet for once no echos no laughing just quiet and small like it is like it should be but she feels alone so alone and i’d say don’t feel that way but we keep doing this to each other just endless circles of strings breaking as we tell us not to be like we are and it’s fucked up and i can’t cry right anymore. i wanted to kiss you that day when you were falling asleep; i was standing there with my violin and oh how i’d have just kissed you if i’d known you if i’d spoken to you but i ain’t brave like i should be.
you ain’t never been brave, kid.
you ain’t never been so scared, either, but you ain’t never been brave.

the worst of it is that i’m not me when i’m there it’s like i have to force it out of me, giggles and horribly annoying laughs and under my eyelids i’m cracking and in my veins there’s bad blood and my bones scream for sleep and my brain spirals in wrong directions and i can’t move like i want to.
my lips don’t move because they’re sealed like glue.
are you crying No
no i am not
but i’d Like to
fuck how i’d like to.
i pray that one day i’ll Wake Up to find that nobody’s home
that i’ll be able to walk in the middle of empty streets and wander in and out of the buildings like tears in the seams of the neighborhood.
if one day i can swing from lines and smash the glass and punch the hollow trunks of cars and lie on the yellow painted lines because i can, i will, and if one day a Car happens by and it moves and the world goes on it can go without me if one day i am lying in the middle of the Road just keep driving right over my eyelids
i’ve been numbed
numbed and i’m lost now
i’m forgetting it now
it don’t feel right anymore.

SOME MORE SHITTY POEMS FOR YOU

maybe it’s something i’ve never done
maybe i’m losing
maybe i’m falling away
(i’m Falling away)
i don’t cry i don’t scream
volunteer my brain
if i could Drop dead -
just spinning again
don’t know what you said
you were so sad
silent eyes,
i stood and i looked
and lost it
the words floated away
i’m sorry
One day i’ll kiss you
your silent eyes dead
my silent lines dead
fuck the dread
fuck the dead.
[alive in our heads.]